Friday, 23 December 2011

Naughty Children Outnumber Nice Children For First Time



North Pole News reports today that for the first time since records began Santa's list of Naughty Children is longer than the list of Nice Children.  Food additives, television and Justin Bieber have all been cited as possible causes of the increase in obnoxious brats.  According to Santa Claus "All parents think their children are nice but statistics don't lie and neither does Santa's Robin.  The horrible truth is that more children are deserving of a kick up the hole this Christmas than an X-Box"  Mr Claus added that along with filling stockings he would also be carrying an actual stocking filled with batteries for the more extreme cases where he believes a lump of coal just isn't sufficient punishment for deviant behaviour.

The Queen's Speech


A preview of The Queen's Christmas Speech reveals that The Queen calls her historic visit to Ireland 'Amazeballs', her nickname for Pippa Middleton is 'The Arse That Ate Britan' and she ends her speech by doing devil horn fingers while shouting 'I Rule!' as she crosses off pictures of Colonel Ghaddafi and Kim Jong Il on a poster of world leaders in her private bathroom.