Naughty Children Outnumber Nice Children For First Time

North Pole News reports today that for the first time since records began Santa's list of Naughty Children is longer than the list of Nice Children.  Food additives, television and Justin Bieber have all been cited as possible causes of the increase in obnoxious brats.  According to Santa Claus "All parents think their children are nice but statistics don't lie and neither does Santa's Robin.  The horrible truth is that more children are deserving of a kick up the hole this Christmas than an X-Box"  Mr Claus added that along with filling stockings he would also be carrying an actual stocking filled with batteries for the more extreme cases where he believes a lump of coal just isn't sufficient punishment for deviant behaviour.

The Queen's Speech

A preview of The Queen's Christmas Speech reveals that The Queen calls her historic visit to Ireland 'Amazeballs', her nickname for Pippa Middleton is 'The Arse That Ate Britan' and she ends her speech by doing devil horn fingers while shouting 'I Rule!' as she crosses off pictures of Colonel Ghaddafi and Kim Jong Il on a poster of world leaders in her private bathroom.

Baroness Trumpinton tells Lord King to 'Go Fuck Yourself'

She later apologised saying she meant to say 'Go Fuck yourself Your Lordship'

Aras Prepares to Welcome New President

Staff hoping President Higgins will update their uniforms.

Not everyone happy..

..just heard that Michael D is bringing two dogs.







Pain in The Aras: ELECTION SPECIAL: SCANDAL!!! AT LAST!!!!!

Currently last place in the polls, presedential no-hoper Dana has received another blow to her non-existent chance of becoming Ireland's Next Top President.

It was revealed today that "Dana" is in fact a sleeper agent awaiting activation by her American overlords.  In a statement ""Dana"" said this should not influence people to change their mind about voting for her.  It probably won't.

Foiled again Obama!

Pain in the Aras: Election Special: ELECTION PROMISES

If elected, I will not be making sweet, man-love in the Aras.



If elected, I will look smokin' at all state occasions.

If elected, I will smite my enemies.

Elect me and no one gets hurt.

I mean -  if elected, I won't kill anyone.

Not that I would kill anyone.

I've never killed anyone.

Pain in The Aras: Election Special Part 1

Vote for me, I never actually killed someone!

Vote for me, I never actually slept with an underage boy.

Vote for me, or you'll burn in hell.

Vote for me, my hair is HUGE!

Vote for me, I have no money for posters.

Vote for me, I'm Michael D.

Vote for me, I'm Gay.

I also have never slept with an underage boy.



McIlroy / Murray Merge To Form Giant Hairy Ball-Beating Behemoth!

In a totally unexpected development Rory McIlroy and Andy Murray have put their heads together and accidentally created a super mushroom cloud of hair with the amazing ability to hit balls over and into things.  Women everywhere are already bored.

iPope

"This is the Sermon App, this one is the Transubstantiation App, just swipe here and Look!  It's The Body of Christ!  Cool, right?  This one is for turning wine into water, this one automatically calculates penance, this is a gallery of pictures of all your hats, I know!  This is Angry Birds, you'll love it.."

Inspecting the Troops

Oh I get it.  Its a military event so you thought 'I'll just stick on a beret and a military coat'.  If I take you to visit the homeless will you wear plastic bags on your feet?

No, I'll just wear something old that used to belong to someone else, like my engagement ring.

bin shot n leg :(

   ROTFBFGW!

(rolling on the floor bleeding from gunshot wound)

Goodwill Ambassador Embraces Refugees, Refugees Say "Ow".

Wearing her 'sad' face Angelina Jolie met with Syrian refugees and listened to their stories while a passing Red Cross medic tried to insert a drip into her emaciated arm.  Hussein, who had been detained and tortured by goverment forces before fleeing his home, said "That poor lady is starving, we would have had a whip-round for her, but when I had to abandon my home and all my belongings and run with my family for the border carrying my grandmother on my shoulders, I forgot my hat."

Hokey Kokey!

  'It starts with 'You put your left hand in..' 

'This one?  The one with the second-hand engagement ring on it?'

'Its an heirloom and that's up, not 'in! And try not to make it look like a Nazi salute.'



'Why don't I try not to punch you in the face?..

..I can't believe I married you!'



4 Year Old Likened to Famous Cubist Artist Whose Works Were Likened to Those of 'A Four Year Old'

Four year old Aelita Andre has just opened an exhibition of her paintings which sell for up to $10,000 in New York.  Critics are comparing her to Picasso. 

 At the opeining Aelita said ' I like blue best, yellow hurts my tummy'.

Lost & Found Office Seeks Owner of Glasses Found On Beach, So They Can Re-Open Beach.

Richard Bruton Savaged By Bear! ' He Never Saw It Coming.'

Your Kids Hate You.

Problem Solved

Does your thong sometimes cover your tramp stamp? 

Do your jeans sometimes cover your thong?

Jongs! 

Problem Solved!!

Kenny: "Thanks for the €85 billion, now F*** Off."

Taoiseach Enda Kenny told a gathering of Irish ambassadors that he was looking forward to 'waving goodbye' to AJ Chopra, the IMF representative who agreed an €85 billion bailout deal for Ireland.

That's Racist.

Angry Bird.

OMG! FIFA Scandal.

Jack Warner releases email from Jerome Valcke claiming Qatar 'bought' the World Cup:



Dear Jack, lots of questions ;)
...

"For FICO, I perfectly understand your position about England. There is not a major point it is true to be discussed. I think MBH (Mohammed bin Hammam) will try to attack us on various points but am prepared to answer. Nothing very new since Robben Island 2009 Exco!
"For MBH, I never understood why he was running. If really he thought he had a chance or just being an extreme way to express much he does not like anymore JSB. Or he thought you can buy FIFA as they bought the WC.

"I have a bet since day one, he will withdraw but on June 1st after his 10 min speech. By doing so he can say he push Blatter to make new commitments bla bla bla and get out under applause. Before means he is a loser.
...

"Wow, just wake up, being in San Francisco for a few hours before flying at 1pm to Sao Paulo for the day. And am writing so much ;)).
"Enjoy your day,
"Jerome"

Sepp Blatter promises investigation into why the Secretary General of FIFA writes emails like a 13 year old girl; " I am sooo going to get to the bottom of this! : ("

Parental Advisory Warning: 'Don't Have Kids'

Better Late Than Never.

A week later than predicted it appears that the end of the world is in fact nigh and the Rapture has begun.  Barcelona manager Pep Guardiola, having lived a good life and won the Champion's League twice, was the first deserving Christian to ascend to heaven.  At time of writing Welsh sinner Ryan Giggs was still earth-bound.

Ferguson Announces Team For Champion's League Final

This guy..

Maybe him..



In mid-field..

In goals..

These two..



And Ryan Giggs.

No One Asked For Your Life Story Dude.

Muppets!

US Navy Stops Little Mermaid Sequel!

 

Disney withdraws Seal Team 6 trademark application

Disney criticised for applying to use name of elite navy team two days after raid on Osama bin Laden complex in Pakistan

Walt Disney has withdrawn its application to trademark Seal Team 6, the name of the elite unit that killed Osama bin Laden, after the US navy moved to protect its rights and the entertainment giant endured a wave of criticism.

Associated Press

guardian.co.uk, Thursday 26 May 2011 08.57 BST

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